It's been a while...

Lot's of things have transpired since my last blog post.  so let me try and fill in the gaps. I feel like I have done this before...  Man I must be a real shitty blogger.

Damn, it's been 2 years since my last post. OK, so what happened in the last two years?  Ohh yeah.  We had a damn baby. 

She just got a "big girl bed"

Here's a little back story.  So Amanda has Trey, and I have Jack.  We are a nice little family unit.  She of course wants multiple more babies.  I feel like if we could enter an all Darling team in a softball game she'd be happy..  But I didn't want more.  I suppose I should fill you in on why. 

At the time things were still very unbalanced with Jack's mother (we're much better now).  But I felt like I needed to fight for every second with hm, and I had to argue my parenting decisions.  And my life was lived under a microscope of "don't do that or she'll be mad".  It was not easy.  And in my head all I could think was; what if this one fails too? Can I really manage two ex wives with children each?  It seemed daunting.  And I was Terrified.  Because every Sunday that I drop Jack off with his mother my heart breaks a little. I love him, and I want to be with him 24/7 (maybe not 24/7...).  And of course I loved my wife, Amanda is 100% my better half and she makes my life have more meaning. So why would I ever think it would end right?  Well, I didn't marry the first wife thinking that would end, but it did.  to sum up, I was scared.  And I didn't want to bring any other children into it.  We had two beautiful boys and that was good for me.

IT NEARLY ENDED THE MARRIAGE WITHIN TWO MONTHS OF US BEING MARRIED.  We fought, maybe "fought" isn't the right word. neither of us said anything mean to each other, neither of us were angry with the other.  we just found out that we had very different ideas on how many kids we'd have.  She was broken to tears.. And of course I can't stand that.  So we ended the discussion like this "ok,  ok, look I'm scared.  I wont Say NO forever.  But I am saying I cant now.  help me to not be scared and we can talk about it again in the future" She agreed.  Maybe reluctantly, but she agreed.  And we went on our way.

Flash forward just one god damn month. it's about 3am. I am rustled awake by Amanda who says this to me "I took a test".  Now remember, it's 3 in the morning, I am not fully awake. my response was something to the effect of "... it's 3 am... I don't care."  She looked me dead in the eyes and said "No... I took a test" And she made that face that people make that tells you all the other details you need to know.  So I shot up and was like "WHAT".  Now, I knew that I wanted to be able to stay in the house and I knew that I wanted to still be married to her, so I had to make my next move very carefully.  I hugged her, and said "I love you".  It was the right move right?  cute, right? 

The next morning, the other Chris emerged.  The "WHAT THE F HAPPENED?? Chris. he was less fun to deal with.  But at the end of the day we were having a baby.  there was no decisions to be made.. it was just.. "get ready".

9 months later Sophie Faye arrived. 

I told her to look cute.  She got it on one shot.

So now we are a family of 5.  And you know what?   I wouldn't have it any other way.  Sophie has made us all better.  I mean, she has made me more stressed out because she is a little crazy.  But I love her...

We are a happy little family. 

So the "What else have I been up to in the last 2 years" is quite simple, running around after these kids. Chasing Sophie through the house, New Job, Trey's basketball game, taking dog food out of Sophie's mouth, Trey's football game, Jack's soccer game, Trey's soccer game, Taking Sophie to the hospital for a broken arm, Jack's Tee-Ball game, Chasing Sophie around, Trey's baseball game.

Drinking heavily.

Look for my next post in 2021!

Advertising: The good, bad, and weird...

Food for thought..
Companies Spend SOOOOOO much money on advertising.  like, for the regular Joe making like 45k, you'd get about 4 seconds of airtime, that is of course figuring that for the entire year you spent zero dollars.  Because nationally aired commercials cost upwards of 350k for a 30 second spot.  That's for a program like "The Voice" or "The Walking Dead"  If you want to air your ad during the super bowl you better be ready to shell out around 3 million dollars (that was in 2011).  So you better have a good ad to air.  Even if you are throwing it out on a Monday at 10pm it could cost you over 100k.  So all your nationally aired ads HAVE to be awesome right?  Wrong.  So many ads are just stupid.  So lets talk about them!!

The Upsettingly Bad:
These are the ads that air that just piss me off.  It's not that they are confusing or poorly put together it's that they are pretentious, they yell "We are better than you and we know it" and I simply hate them...

1) Most if not all Luxury auto brands, namely Audi.
 In recent adds Audi has decided that if you aren't being offered an Audi by either the government or the job you are being offered, you need to reject those offers.  Now there's some details left out.. So let me fill you in... An ad airs where a man is going into witness protection.  He is testifying in some...  judicial matter I suppose.  The would be government agents tell him "Your testimony is going to save countless lives." So this tells me 2 things; First, the testimony is against some really bad people. Lets go with mobsters, because its a pretty logical step to take.  And second, if he doesn't testify these "mobsters" are going to murder like... lots of people.  Maybe not all at once, but if left unchecked we all know that mobsters will kill people... It's what they love doing.
SO, the agents tell the guy, "here is your new name, your new bank accounts, your new house, and check it out, we even got you a brand new SUV (that looks like a Lexus Rx)."  Then the guys face gets all serious and upset looking and he says "I'll take my chances".  Cut to him driving away in is Audi SUV looking all smug.

ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING!?!

I am going to throw a little "If/Then" at you... If this man can't drive an Audi/ Then he doesn't care if people die.  It's true, it logically follows, he needed to testify to save lives, he decided no thanks I want to drive my fucking car, so screw those people and their lives.

This guy probably owns an Audi

2) "He went to Jared"
I might hate these commercials more than the Audi commercials... Might. In these horse shit commercials unless the dude goes to Jared to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring, she is going to say no.  Because how dare you buy a ring anywhere else?  Those rings are like dirt compared to our rings....  And our rings are marked up 500% so you know we are the best.

I am going to add here that Kay Jewelers is an affiliate of Jared, which is something I didn't know until I bought a diamond from them about a year ago. And not only are they no better than Jared, but the customer service there was so bad that I am literally giving away hundreds of dollars in gift cards because I refuse to ever go into that store again.  They lost the ring, then told me "if our investigation shows it was our fault then we will get you a new ring"   BITCH YOU LOST IT!  How is it anyone else's fault!!?  Then when they replaced it, they replaced it with a shittier stone, and it took them 2 months to get it to us.

So don't go to one of these major brand jewelers... in fact go on craigslist, if 50% of marriages end in divorce, I bet you can get a stellar deal from some dude trying to pay for rent on his new apartment....

3) Fragrance ads.  Like... all of them.
Transcript for Sauvage by Dior:
Pan in on a city, electric guitar is playing in the background
Cut to Johnny Depp... playing guitar
Now he's driving a car
Narration begins
"I have to get out of here" 
"which way?"
He's no longer in a city, now he appears to be in the oil fields of Texas...
"I don't know"
He cuts off the road into the desert and pulls a shovel from the trunk (is he burying someone?)
"What am I looking for"
There is a wolf standing on his car... (i'm serious)
He begins to dig....
Takes off a necklace and places it in the hole
"something I cant see"
"I can feel it"
 "It's magic"
Then a bottle of Sauvage appears in front of a rock...
End/:

WHAT THE FUCK?  What does that mean?  What does any of that mean?!  And that is the same for ALL of them! Need more proof, no problem!

We open with a door opening and you see Natalie Portman in a wedding dress
bellhop: Your flowers madam.
Portman: It's "Miss" actually... (this sounded WAY fucking rude btw)
Cut to her father walking her down the isle.  I think it should be known that this man has a nose that is 1/3 the size of his head....
She pulls a flower out of her bouquet and puts it in her dads pocket...
"Im sorry Dad" 
She then turns and walks off looking quite content with herself...
She runs through a field and takes her wedding dress off, and there is some kind of black dress underneath... because that makes sense right?
She is now standing on a cliff and you can see the shadow of a helecopter, now a ladder appears and she climbs into the chopper..
The dude flying it gets all up in her business sniffing her neck and whatnot....
She smiles and now they are flying over what looks like the Eiffel Tower.
She turns to the camera and says:
"Miss Dior"
End of commercial...

What?  umm, what?

The only fragrance adds I am going to say do not make this list is Old Spice, because they have Terry Crews acting all...  Terry Crews like and then the dude who is 100% making fun of fragrance ads...

"Terry loves yogurt"

4) This is one that just annoys me...
The Chevy adds where they bring "not real actors" into a warehouse and say which one of these cars won more awards... duhhhhh ALL OF THEM, They are all Chevy's and they are all the best!  then they list like 16 awards they have won.
But here's where its dumb, aside from me not caring about the awards you've won... EVERY other brand has commercials where they say "2017's best fuel economy sedan..." or "2017's most payload/ towing capacity..."  they all have the same shit because each award is so specific... I am waiting for them to be like "Chevrolet's all new Silverado was rated most blueist color truck in 2019"
And don't you dare tell me "these are not real actors"  Because I really don't believe you.  Like at all.

HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME DO MATH CHEVY!  THAT'S A BRIDGE TOO FAR!

Lets talk about WEIRD ads now.  Because some ads just don't hit...

1) Lincoln and Matthew McConaughey...
First off, this doesn't give the impression of pretentious advertising like the other car ads do, instead it gives the weird feeling like it's a fragrance ad because you have no idea what he is doing...  he's just like...  driving in his car talking to himself "Sometimes you gotta go back, to actually move forward..."  It's literally just him talking while driving his car...

Now, they get weirder as they go because he did a few of them, one of them he like... falls backwards into a pool, and I was like, "well now your suit is all wet man..."  but he don't care... because it's Alright alright alright...

I don't hate these ads... I just don't get them.

2) Skittles...
Ok, remember that add with Steven Tyler and the portrait of him made out of skittles?  Yeah, it was weird.  Because he makes the portrait sing.  Then he tells it to sing "higher", then he makes it sing even higher... and it explodes.

"That is E to the Z ooo twiddly Dee-scusting"

I did however like the skittlepox one...

Is it contagious?

How about the ads that are great?!!

These are the ads that are either funny. or simply hit the mark perfectly.  Your ad needs to grab the attention of the people watching, humor is a great way to do that.  Or the ad needs to be simple enough and get right to the point...

1) Geico Caveman adds (Before they outstayed their welcome)
 It was the silliest but most perfect way to grab their audience
"So simple, a caveman could do it"
Then you see a caveman holding the guys boom for the add
"Not cool man!"
he storms off.

Not cool!

Then they did more...

They did a bunch of them and they were really funny.  But after a while you need to pull the plug, much like Progressive needs to pull "Flo".


2) Terry Tate office linebacker.
These ads were just outstanding.  Its a regular office, with cubicles and reports being handed from employees to bosses... Well Management decided they needed to improve productivity and what better way to do it than to add terry Tate into the mix....
Guy finishes the pot of coffee and walks off...
Terry open field tackles him and yells "You know you can't bring that weak ass humpty bumpty up in here!  You kill the Joe, you make some mo'"
It was amazing.
I don't just recommend you watch them.. I Implore you to go watch them.
Terry Tate Office Linebacker

That's a long distance call DOUG!

3) Pretty much the whole Sports Center lineup...
just go watch there are too many to name.
This is Sports Center


Have I forgotten your favorite or most hated commercial?  Let me know in the comments?  Do you love the fragrence ads?  let me know by telling me how dumb you must be...

Star Wars vs Lord of the Rings

"What's your favorite movie?"
"uhh...  ummm... Star...Rings. Crap"

Whenever somebody asks me "What's your favorite movie?" It takes me a few minutes to answer them, because I am trying to decide which of these trilogies/ sagas is my favorite.  Then once I realize there have been nearly 4 minutes of awkward silence with me starring at a random spot on the wall I will utter whatever comes to mind first.  It can be either, and sometimes depends on my mood...

It's so difficult to choose a favorite.  My early childhood was riddled with fake lightsabers and bathrobes being worn as Jedi robes.  And when I say fake lightsabers, I mean broomsticks that I painted blue, green or even red depending on how evil I felt on that particular day...

When I was a kid Star Wars was this phenomenon that was simply unrivaled.  I am discounting Star Trek in this conversation, not based on quality but more so that it didn't feel like fantasy to me.  It was more like "What if the Navy was in pace?"  I'm not saying there is no fantasy in Trek, because of course there is, but it doesn't have the same feel that Star Wars does... Anyway, let me get back on trek, I mean track.

Star Wars was huge when I was a kid, everyone had their favorite character, many of them wanted to BE Luke Skywalker.  Not me, no way.   I wanted to be the stuck up, scruffy looking nerf herder.  I was a Han Solo fan all the way.  He was the reluctant hero, Luke wanted to go into battle to save the princess, he wanted to defeat the empire.  What did Han want?  Reward, money, and to get Jabba off his back.  But his heart was in the right place and he came through in the end.   And his quick wit and smooth way with the ladies sealed the deal...  yeah, that was my dude.

Then in 2001 something happened.  A new saga was introduced into my life, The Lord of the Rings.  J. R. R. Tolkien had written a series of books meant to be a sort of "mythology", chronologically starting with the Silmarillion followed by the Hobbit and finally the series of three Lord of the Rings books.  This world of fantasy was so detailed and so well written that adapting them to movie was as simple as handing everyone a book and saying "Do that".  Of course I have no idea what peter Jackson (director of the movies) did, but he did a damn good job with the Lord of the Rings.   So through my late teen years into my twenties I was reading the books and eagerly waiting for the movies.  There have been many "LOTR Marathons" in the Darling house since then.

So lets explore these two power house franchises, shall we...

Strengths:
Star Wars - This saga was ahead of its time, it hit theaters when the most technological thing out there was a massive mechanical shark that ate girls in bikinis (Jaws reference).  The movie had a great story with a set of characters that America would fall in love with.  Everyone rooted for Luke Skywalker when he was flying his X-Wing, and everyone laughed when Han Solo made some off hand remark about the force being stupid. The acting is certainly a part of it, What was nice about Star Wars is that the majority of the cast were unknowns.  So it was easy to see them as the characters they were portraying as opposed to something they did in the past. But unfortunately, only one career would move forward with any kind of traction. 

LOTR - The movies as I said earlier are so good partly because the books are so detailed.  Each character has a solid back story, there are forces working nonstop for and against our chief characters and the acting in these movies was outstanding.  The soundtrack had me standing in the living room cheering for the fellowship as they rode/ran across Middle Earth.  Not to mention, the battles.  Star Wars may have space battles but the battles fought in this trilogy were just BADASS. Cast, the Lord of the Ring trilogy had a cast that worked so well together that I no longer see them as their individual selves.  If I see a picture on the internet of Viggo Mortensen, I am like "Hey, where's Legolas?"  Because they go together.  And No I don't say "Where's Gimli?", because I assume he is right next to him, just below the camera frame.

Weaknesses/Criticisms: 
Star Wars - Prequels... Boy oh boy the prequels.  First let me say that without a doubt these three movies belong in the weakness section.  HOWEVER, each of the three has at least a scene or two worth watching.  The first movie had the Darth Maul fight, the second had the arena battle, and the third and best of the three had the transformation of Anakin to Darth Vader.  So there's that.. Star Wars also got silly at times, how many ridiculous aliens can you put in one scene?  ask George Lucas, I am sure he has an answer.  The technology of the era really shows when you watch the original series now.  In addition, after the prequels came out I found the light saber battles in the originals to be boring.  Also, some of the droids were just plain lazy.

This is a trash can George... A TRASH CAN!

I find your lack of acting disturbing...

LOTR - Now, I am a super fanatic abut Lord of the Rings and I don't agree with all the criticisms, but here are a few... People wanted to see some serious action.  The books were filled with Uruk Hai blood and sweet axe wielding dwarfs.  Some have argued that the first movie The Fellowship of the Ring was too slow, and took too long to get going.  And while I agree that yes the intro was long, I loved the character development and dialogue anyway.  Some people will also say that its just too far off... "Elves and Wizards, it's just silly".  Lastly, and the major complaint that I have for these movies is that the third and final installment Return of the King ended like 5 times.  5 times I stood up thinking the credits were about to roll and then looked foolish when the screen faded from black back into a new scene.  GOD DAMMIT Peter Jackson!  PICK AN ENDING!  or at least make it clear that when the movie is not going to end your movie goers know it.

It's over with a toast and a clink....  Just kidding.

Similarities:
So I actually found LOTS of similarities in both Trilogies.  Both currently made up of 6 movies (although the 7th Star Wars is only weeks away) 3 of which are solid movies.  Both create their own world with very little ties to the "Earth" and a reality we know, i.e. pure fantasy.  Both have a force of good and force of evil.  Both series have the "good guys" set out to destroy something.  In Star Wars, Luke and company are trying to destroy the Death Star and The Empire, In LOTR, Frodo is set on a quest to destroy the One Ring, which in turn will destroy Sauron (really bad guy).

Here's another one, both main characters in these trilogies (Luke and Frodo) were set on their path from an older and wiser "mystical" type (Obi-Wan and Gandalf).  And in accordance with what I wrote about 3 movies being good, there are also 3 movies that were not so good (for different reasons).  Both trilogies over reached when making their prequels.  Star Wars made three movies with sub par stories and terrible acting.  In no other franchise will you find fans actively revolting over the making of any number of movies. Star Wars fans are some of the most dedicated fans on the planet, and they HATE George Lucas's decision to make the first 3 movies.

As for Lord of the Rings, Peter Jackson decided to make the Hobbit, which was not at all a bad book, and not a bad idea.  However, he made one book into 3 movies.  Initially I was excited, "I don't care if he makes it 5..."  I would say to my friends, it just means more awesome middle earth battles and more of the world Tolkien envisioned. However, after seeing the movies I changed my mind.  No, they are not bad movies, but they are not great either.  Jackson had to stretch the material and add characters that were never in the book.  he had to create villains whom were never suppose to fight Bilbo and gang. And unfortunately the audience wasn't entirely thrilled. 

I'm having a difficult time finding you on all these pages of the Hobbit...

Differences:
Now for the differences... the one pretty obvious difference is Space vs well...  New Zealand I guess.  Star Wars is set not just in one particular part of a Country or even planet, but an entire galaxy, they cover light years and several planets throughout the series.  They have species native to many planets.  Whereas LOTR exists in what is called "Middle Earth" middle earth is basically the continent where the story takes place, its the "Midgard" of Norse mythology.  The idea that Star Wars took place in the past is hard to grip for most people, because of the technology.  I guess you need to think of a planet/ series of planets that all developed MUCH earlier than earth did.  They must have had humans discovering fusion reactors while our planet was still full of building sized murder animals we call dinosaurs.  So while they both appear to exist in the past, Star Wars has the Technology edge over Lord of the Rings.  Bows and Swords are nice.... but to quote my buddy Han "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid"


Ok lets talk characters...

Luke vs Frodo - Luke wins by a landslide because Frodo not only doesn't actually succeed but continually fucks up. And even though I hate that Luke went and got his Light Saber from Jedi day camp, he still succeeds and can be proud of himself.  Frodo sucks. 

Han vs Aragorn - This one is VERY difficult, I want to give the edge to Han for his cocky attitude but I also really like that Aragorn is so freaking Badass that he willingly risks death for kicks.  I have to give this one to Han though, because seriously...  Han Solo.

Obi-Wan vs Gandalf - I give this one to Gandalf for a few reasons.  1) he always seems to have a plan and know that the outcome is going to be favorable...  2) Obi-Wan knows that Luke needs to be trained in the ways of the force but waits till he is 17, which as we all know is a BAD idea. ...            3) Gandalf smokes some of that long bottom leaf and seems like he'd be a good guy to hang with.

Chewie vs Legolas/Gimli - So I am going to lump both Gimli and Legolas together only in the sense that they are the companions to the "Han vs Aragorn" Debate.  This is also tough, because a wookie is nobody to fuck with...  they are known for tearing limbs off when they lose... do you know that?  But then theres our dynamic duo...  alone each one of them has merit, they are good characters, put them together and they are dynamite.  They compete for kills, which sounds crass, but they were bad guys so... its ok.  We are going with Legolas/Gimli on this one.

Merry and Pippin vs C3PO and R2D2 - Ok, here is another fun one.  These two are great because both sets add some sort of comic relief/ mischief to the movies.  I once again have to give the edge to LOTR because Merry and Pippin are both hysterical and have hearts made of steel considering their size and willingness to go into battle against creatures 5 times their size.

Leia vs Galadriel - Both are badasses and neither is to be fucked with.  Galadriel shows that time and time again as an immortal elf,  While the very mortal Princess Leia continually puts herself in harms way to fight for the rebellion and her people.  I am giving this one to Leia because only she can put Han Solo in his place... No easy task.

Darth Vader vs Saruman - These are two very similar characters also if you think about it, both started out good, both wanted to educate themselves about the power they didn't quite understand, both fell to it's power and became villains.  Both also died..  I give this one to Vader because if you ask anyone on the street who the most famous/badass movie villain is, its very likely they say Darth Vader.

The Emperor vs Sauron - Both of these characters are considered the "chief" villains of their series also, they hold all the true power.  Darth Sidious was once apprentice to Darth Plagueis, and Sauron was once an agent of Morgoth, a fallen Ainur (don't pay any attention to that, I could write an entire post on the world that Tolkien created).  So both of these powerful beings battled the forces of good for many years. It's not an easy task to determine which of these two wins the contest, I think that Sauron is more powerful, and because he was of he Ainur he is hard as hell to kill.  I also have to take points away from the Emperor because he was part of a thousand year old plan to overthrow the Jedi, and in the end... A Jedi kills him (sort of).


Conclusion:
I have to go with Lord of the Rings.

Do you disagree?  do you have a movie that you think beats both of these?  let me know.

Food, Glorius Food

I love food, anyone looking at me can figure that out.

When somebody who is a gym rat tells me how "easy" it is to get healthy I scoff at them.  Because I know what is about to follow.  "Cut out the high carbs and sugary foods... Don't drink so much beer, and if you see a piece of cake you are obligated to throw it in the trash and tell the person carrying it they are making the wrong choice."

Do either of them even look happy?

Let me tell you what, I hate your life.  Your life of salads and protein shakes depresses me.  Kale?  are you fucking kidding me?!!  No, I am so done with you.

On to the good stuff.  Here are a bunch of foods that I would eat directly in front of the gym rat who crying on the inside because they miss the taste of actual food.

This is a bacon cheese burger.  I started here because this is a staple in my life.

Buffalo wings, and other assorted flavors.  Yeah, like I'd give you up for a piece of lettuce and some chic peas....

Cold weather. Football. Chili.
Game. Set. Match

Lasagna.  If you don't eat lasagna, both Garfield and I judge you harshly.  And if you eat "vegetarian" lasagna, I am still deducting points.

Steak.  Need I say more?








I was told bacon needs its own category, so without further adieu...

 Bacon

 Bacon

 Heart shaped bacon

 Bacon











Desert:

This is called "Apple Pie", did you know that if you don't like apple pie you are basically saying you hate America?

Ice Cream, not sherbet, not frozen yogurt.  ICE CREAM.

What? you don't eat ice cream? GET OUT OF MY FACE YOU COMMUNIST.

Ok guys, this is the last one.  And if you tell me "I cant eat cake because it goes against my "paleo" diet, get out.








This is the end of my food post.  There are many other foods out there that are tasty: Fish, Ribs, Pork, Most Breakfast foods, Skittles (there could be a whole post on candy alone).  What are some of your favorite foods?  How much do you hate people who are on Paleo diets?

Your Friend,
Red Guy

JACK

So a couple years ago I mentioned that I was about to be a father and my posts would range from things like sports and politics to fatherhood.  Though I have certainly mentioned my son in some of my posts, I have not made a Jack-centric post.  So here it is.

My son is two.  He was born in March of 2013, and he is the freaking shit.  He makes me smile and laugh all while destroying everything around him.  I share custody with his mother, which means that I have him every other weekend, alternating holidays, and two weeks in the summer.  I just had him for a full week (depending on when you read this) and that's what prompted me to write this post.

Before I get into the specifics of the week I want to give you some background.

Jack in the last few months has really come into his personality.  He is talking more, running around like a mad man, and causing trouble of the biblical kind.  He loves chocolate milk but I have figured out I can put a single drop of chocolate in the cup, and as long as he sees me do it he is none the wiser that he is really drinking regular orange juice.   I'm just kidding, it's milk.

So as I said, he is talking.  And not just a word here or there, words ALL THE TIME.  He is big on repeating your words.  Which at times can be problematic if you swear at the TV when the same stupid commercial comes on that drives you mad.  I mean seriously, "He went to Jared".  I will never go to Jared, simply because of their advertisements.  I fucking hate them.  As if buying an overpriced rock anywhere else means he doesn't love you.

That was the first one I thought of...  But then there's this one, which is worse and I get furious if I see it.

So now a car GPS (Global Positioning System for the uneducated) is not only telling me I have to go to a fucking Jewelry store in the middle of the day while I'm trying to pick up my dry cleaning, but also takes over my car and careens through traffic to get me to "Jared".  I hate you Jared.  And I needed my suit for an important meeting tomorrow.  What am I going to do now?  Will Jared be able to help me with that?  Jerks.

I think I got side tracked, The point is, Jack now talks, and repeats what you say.  But he does it so freaking adorably.  I wish I could fully explain how he repeats things.  It's almost as if he says it back to you as a question.  For example here is a conversation we recently had...

Me: Jack want to go for a ride in daddy's truck?
Jack: Go for ride in daddy truck?
Me: Yes
Jack: Yes?
Me: Yeah buddy.
Jack: go in spider-man seat?
Me: Yes
Jack: Yes?

It's hysterical, and I am sure those with kids completely understand.

And with the explosion of language recently he has started to pick up phrases.  But that doesn't mean he knows how/when to use them.  For Example, he hears the three year old say "Oh Man!" any time relatively bad news is spoken.  Not terrible news, because that merits a complete Chernobyl meltdown.

Trey we're not going in Mommy's car, we're going in Chris's truck - "Ohh Man!"  Used both appropriately and hysterically...

Trey, you are not eating your dinner, so it's bedtime - "NO NO NO NO I DON'T WANNA, NO..."  meltdown...

So Jack has picked up the "Oh Man" phrase but doesn't know that it's meant to follow bad news...  So here's the breakdown.

Jack: I want chocolate milk pease (please)
Me: Sure
Jack: Ohh Man!
Me: Ohh Jack...

Looking good buddy.  "Ohh Man"

So we got a whole week together, which was awesome.  We went to the cape, saw lots of family, went mini golfing (disaster), went in the ocean, went in a pool, went on bumper boats, and had an all around awesome time.

My time as a father has taught me much.  But most of all, it's taught me that I need to always look out for this little guy who is just starting to develop into his own unique person.  He is not just a combination of his mother and I, though lots of both of us are in there.  He is made up of all the people in his life.  He loves both Amanda and Dave; two people who were never meant to be in the picture, but are.  And they are a big part of his life.  And he really loves both of them.  I can't speak to the specifics of he and Dave together, but I certainly can mention some of the things that he does with Amanda, and he gravitates right to her, and her family.  Amanda is way more "crafty" than I am.  She has the boys paint and color and make things... Yes I said MAKE things.  Jack loves it.  She also is somehow a "bedtime" wizard.  When it comes to naps, If I put him down he will whine and it's a 50/50 shot of him actually going to sleep.  When Amanda puts him down it goes like this;

Amanda: Jack lets go take a nap.
Jack: Ok

I still can't wrap my head around it.  She is great with him and one of the best parts of the relationship is that she also has a son, Trey.  Trey is a year older than Jack and the two of them are best friends.  As soon as they see each other they light up and start going wild.  Jack also has several cousins that he LOVES to see, and they definitely rub off on him too.  If he takes after Nate, we're in trouble.

Being a dad has absolutely been the best thing I have ever done in my life.  I look forward to all the memories I will share with my son and family.

 

Things That Simply Are

Certain statements always mean the same thing, you say you aren't, but you very much are.

Ever meet someone who you instantly hate? Sometimes it's for a dumb reason, or no reason at all.

Maybe he is a nice guy?

But sometimes it's for all the right reasons. Sometimes you meet someone and within minutes you know they are just the worst.

I am a bartender at a hotel, the great thing abut my job is that it's never so busy that I want to pull my hair out, which has an added benefit of me being able to interact more with the guests. My hotel does a lot of corporate business and we have relationships with the local companies who will send their employees to our hotel if they are from out of town.

This allows me to get to know guests for an extended period of time, I had a group stay with me for three weeks and they were great, I knew them all by name and what they drank and we would chat all night. Which really sucks if within the first two minutes you know the person is a complete jackass.

Enter Jeff (not his real name), who is staying for two weeks. He is with a group of 4 others and they all seem to be “done” with him already. And he has been at the hotel for less than three days. On night one he is decked out in gold accessories, which already makes me judge him.  But not too harshly, because it's not fair of me to hate someone just for wearing a watch 3 sizes too large for his wrist that looks like its pure gold. Likely a knock off, but I am not sure. One of the other guys mentions something about a guy in his office who is black and Jeff says something to the tune of “I bet that guy can play ball”. Which isn't mean spirited or anything, but clearly had no place in the conversation, he was saying it only because the guy is black. So just about every one in the bar shot him a glance and he started to dig a hole for himself to die in.

“No, I'm not Racist, but...”. There is was, the one statement that ALWAYS negates the following statement. It's not reserved only for the racism argument either. Ever talk to someone who wants to say something rude but wants to make sure you don't get upset? “No offense but,...” Yeah, um, just because you said no offense doesn't mean it's not offensive, ass hat.

So there we are with Jeff trying to justify his comments and ensure us he is not racist and he says “Seriously I'm not, I have a black buddy who is a really good guy” And 3 of the guests literally laugh out loud and he is like “What?” You can't say that, that's like the nail in the coffin, how can I be racist if I have a black friend? You can.  In fact, you are. Idiot.

Okay, lets talk about hating people, I hate some people. I think we all hate some people. Anyone hate someone for the dumbest reason?
 

Example: I hate a guy at work because one day at work like 2 years ago he took my pizza. Sounds worse than it is. In the cafeteria we can order personal pizzas that take about 8 minutes to cook, I ordered one then went and threw my stuff down at our table, grabbed a drink and then waited for my pizza. But apparently a guy who ordered a pizza after I did, took mine when it was ready. He probably didn't even know it was mine. The cafeteria guy generally comes out and says “_______ pizza” and you simply take it and go. Well, I hate him anyway. That was my pizza, and it made me wait another 5 minutes. And that was 2 years ago. If I see him in my building I generally give him a look of disgust. My guess is he has no idea I hate him. But I do.

Also, there is a woman who works at the Dunkin Donuts near my house who simply couldn't give two shits about your order.  In fact, if she gets it wrong and you tell her it's wrong, she will actually roll her eyes at you as if it's an inconvenience on her to remake it. Bitch, I don't care if it inconveniences you, get my shit right the first time.

And she is a perennial fuck up with your coffee orders.  One day I ordered a medium iced dark roast with milk only. She gave me a medium iced with cream. I know it was cream because it was creamy as shit. So I said, “oops, I think you made this with cream” and I said that very politely because it was an off day for me... Her response was just swell.. “Does it really matter?” Umm, yes lady, it does matter, I don't like cream in coffee, I like milk, THAT'S WHY I ORDERED IT THAT WAY. Then she remade it for me and put like 5 sugars in, I knew it was 5 because I could see her do it. And again I corrected her. “Why wouldn't you want sugar?” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Make my freaking coffee so I can get to work!

She is someone who deserves to be hated. So I do. 

She might as well have been him. 

 

Conversely, there is a lady that works the drive through at McDonald’s that hates the crap out of what she does. She always seems to be in a horrible mood and for some reason I love it. She is like my favorite person, I will order the same thing every time I go. Medium iced coffee, french vanilla with milk only. She gets it right every time, but murmurs something angrily under her breath every time I get to the window. She is the best.

Things That I Think About... For No Reason.

MOVIES:
You know how in a movie depicting a) a viking type culture or b) an alien type culture that represents a culture foreign to us as Americans, a great warrior or important person that dies, gets a special sendoff.  In these movies, they will lay the deceased in a canoe or raft of some sort, throw some kindling and firewood in there and pack it all up nice and tight.  A few words are generally spoken, then they push the raft into the sea/river/lake.  Once the raft has reached a distance of...  100 yards or so?  They light an arrow on fire and an archer fires it into the air and it lights the raft on fire...  this has been used in movies and TV. 

Here is a youtube video of this very scene. 

"First Knight" - King Arthur

My thought is this; how often does the archer miss the raft?  I mean, it's not exactly close...  its drifting off in the wind and the archer aims the bow up into the air...  I feel like there is a large margin for error in this practice.

In my head I play out the scenes leading up to this and they are as follows:
1) in the scene where our deceased is actually killed, it's usually a battle of some sort..  Which means your archers are also in battle and some are also dying. My guess is that the archer that is chosen to fire the arrow at the raft is likely chosen because he is the best, and will likely hit the target right?  well what if he is killed in battle too?  So in this new scene that is created in Chris's head, we have the funeral being planned and they say "ok, so Sir Hammatime is going to fire the arrow into the raft" Then a dude pulls out a piece of paper and says "Actually, Sir Hammatime was killed in battle as well"  Then they start naming off other archers and all of them are dead...  Finally its like "Ok... so Greg is going to do it?  How long has he been an archer?"  Then the guy says "Well, he's fairly new... but he has a great head on his shoulders and always shows up on time..."

Scene 2) They tell Greg he is going to fire the shot at King Whatshisname and everybody in the god damn kingdom is going to be there... Greg is like "ohhhhh f***, listen, I didn't want to say anything because I was pretty sure that nobody would ever know, but I am nearly certain that I didn't even hit a single enemy with an arrow the other day"  and they try to calm him down because he is pretty much their only option "No no no, you did great, and this is a breeze. the raft is nearly the size of the (names some stupid ship in their fleet) it will be easy."  As soon as Greg turns around to leave the dude makes a face to ... whoever is there, like [yeah this is going to be awful].

Scene 3) This is the actual ceremony... It takes him like 15 shots to hit the raft...  everybody is relieved and just want to go home.  End of movie.  

NOT TO MENTION,  in my search for info on this, I found out its nearly entirely fabricated anyway...  The Vikings most often had ground ceremonies where they MIGHT burn the bodies, and they MIGHT burn them in a boat... but the boat was on land, not the water.  Stupid Hollywood making me think Vikings were cooler than they really were.

BOOKS:
When did they start making movies into books?  Like, helllooooo, I already know how it ends because I saw it in the theater!  No but seriously, apparently there is a website called Thriftbooks
www.thriftbooks.com where you can buy...  you guessed it, cheap used books.  Go there people.  Make yourselves look more intellectual than you really are.  Buy 4 books you will never read and refuse to let your friends borrow them. 

POLITICS:
Just kidding, I am not ready to discuss this topic yet.  But rest assured, I will be. 

"Thanks Obama" clip